One Liners

Collection of 1 Liners

I don't recall who told me which jokes, however I would like to acknowledge and thank everyone and request you continue to send them. :)

What's a J.A.P.'s favorite wine?

I want to go shopping!

Little Johnny's at it again...

Little Johnny's at it again...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny was not paying attention in class. She called on him and said,

'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the police officer. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

If this brightened your day, do not let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too ya know!

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Credit: Ray-z H.

Undoubtedly the Number 1 E-mail of 2009

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's !

 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

 

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking!!!

 

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

 

Riding in the back of a Bakkie on a warm day was always a special treat.

 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

 

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Steers, Nandos.

 

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

 

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Chappies, Wilson's Toffees, Wicks Bubble Gum and some crackers to blow up frogs with.

 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

 

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on DSTV, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

 

Only girls had pierced ears!

 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

 

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.......no really!

 

We were given pellet guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays!!

 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

 

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

 

RUGBYand CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT AND NOT DUE TO BLACKMAIL, THREATS AND GUILT FROM THE PAST..... strange but true!

 

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

 

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade" and "Ridge" and "Vanilla"

 

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

 

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

 

And YOU are one of them!

 

CONGRATULATIONS!

 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

 

 

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Credit: Soroh E.

White House Minyan... a tzente?

New White House Staff!
So far we have:

1. Rahm Emanuel - Chief of Staff - Jewish
2. David Axelrod - Senior Advisor to the President - Jewish
3. Ronald Klain - Chief of Staff to the Vice President of the United States - Jewish
4. Larry Summers - Economic Advisor to the President - Jewish
5. Paul Volcker - Economic Advisor to the President, Former Head of Fed Reserve - Jewish
6. Tim Geithner - Treasury Secretary - Jewish
7. Peter Orszag - Head of Budget - Jewish

Am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?

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Credit: David D.

Looking for work?

 

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!? Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying job. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in the UNITED STATES .

 

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Credit: Shloime H.

Two boys at the hospital

Credit: Soroh E.     Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year

Who does Israel belong to?

Credit: Mary D. S.

Date: Fri, Feb 6, 2009

Who does Israel belong to?     Israeli Sense of Humour at UN An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.  When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.' The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about?     The Palestinians weren't there then.' The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican  restaurant in  Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?" Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!" and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico .. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook, Tom, say there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Cranberry Jews, and Tomato Jews."

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Credit: Victoria A.