Obama

President Nixon: I'm not a crook.
Senator Obama: I'm not on crack.

President Truman: The buck stops here.
Senator Obama: Leave your bucks here.

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Comeback of the year award

Some advice on how to deal with attorneys…

 

 

THE BEST COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called

 

MY PIGGY BANK

 

 

 Look at my piggy bank after I bought gas yesterday.
 

 

Who says there is no humor in religion!

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast   Jewish Olympic Swimmer       ge.us"> Church can be hilarious!   </ SPAN>         </SP AN>     The Woodpecker Might have to go!   May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door!

Paramedic

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'

Mexico olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated, "Casi todos que puedan correr, saltar, o nadar ya salieron del pais." Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.

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Credit: Mary S.

Texas Farmer

An old Texas farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning  till night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

 

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.

 

Complain,...nag, ...nag; it just went on..... and on.... and.........

 

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

 

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

 

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

 

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Beauty of math

This is fascinating. Be sure to go all the way to the end.

 

Beauty of Math!

 

1 x 8 + 1 = 9

12 x 8 + 2 = 98

123 x 8 + 3 = 987

1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876

12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765

123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654

1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543

12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432

123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

 

1 x 9 + 2 = 11

12 x 9 + 3 = 111

123 x 9 + 4 = 1111

1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111

12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111

123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111

1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111

12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111

123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

 

9 x 9 + 7 = 88

98 x 9 + 6 = 888

987 x 9 + 5 = 8888

9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888

98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888

987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888

9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888

98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

 

Brilliant, isn't it?

 

And look at this symmetry:

 

1 x 1 = 1

11 x 11 = 121

111 x 111 = 12321

1111 x 1111 = 1234321

11111 x 11111 = 123454321

111111 x 111111 = 12345654321

1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321

11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321

111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

 

 

 

Now, take a look at this...

 

101%

 

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

 

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

 

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER

100%.

 

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

 

What equals 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

 

 

If:

 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

Is represented as:

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

If:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

 

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

And:

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But:

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

 

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

 

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

 

 

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

 

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

 

It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just the way I did.

 

 

Have a nice day & God bless!!!

 

Credit: Melanie S.

 

Building a bridge

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 

Credit: Melanie S.

How to get help from the company for the product...

When you call the 800 number, do you know who you reach?

 

 

Credit: Melanie S.

Alcohol

Credit: Melanie S.

Jewish lottery winners

An elderly Jewish couple in London won twenty million pounds on the lottery.

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohen's to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for eight when they had expressly asked him to set it for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohen's telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

 

--

Credit: Allan P.

Big Giver

A crusty old man walks into the local Shul and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn Shul."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn Shul!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Shul."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the Rabbi's study to inform him of her situation. The Rabbi agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

 

They both return to her office and the Rabbi asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn Shul to get rid of some of this damn money."

 

"I see," said the Rabbi. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

--

Credit: Allan P.

Lottery winner

What would you do if you won $164 Million.

Here's an idea :)

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Credit: Shlomo H.

They Walk Among Us!!

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail


I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.


They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.


They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!". Someone looked up at the
sky and said, "Where"?


They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."


They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."


They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces."


They Walk Among Us,


and they Reproduce,


and Worst of all ............


THEY VOTE

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Credit: Ray-z H.

The Perfect Job

TO WHOM IT MAY INTEREST, AND IT MIGHT!


My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it-mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.



SO, I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!!

Credit: Ray-z H.

One Liners

Q. What's the difference between a reform rabbi and the pope?
A. The pope wears a yarmulke.
Credit: Yisroel L.

Great Clip of Menachem Begin

Israel belongs to the JEWS and not Arafat or anyone else!

Credit: Yossi B.

Looking for a waitress?

by appointment only

An old man, a boy & a donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.  

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.   

As they went along they passed some people  
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics
were right so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!  

Soon they passed some more people who
thought they were stupid to walk when
they had a decent donkey to ride.
 
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who
shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably
right, so they decide to carry the donkey.   

As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

Have A Nice Day And
Be Careful With Your Donkey

 

--
Credit: Mendel S.

The Jewish President!

I know you will all get a "kick" out of this one!!!

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

'Oh Mom' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'You know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her. 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'

--

Credit: Mendel S.

Jewish Indian Baby

A young Jewish man falls in love with a
Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl.

When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the
reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she even refuses to speak to the boy, practically disowning him.

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is
happy for him but there is still quite a bit of tension in the
air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name.

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this
moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."

"That's great, Mom," replies the son.

"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"


 
 

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Credit: Allan P.

Wedding Bride

At a frum chasuna, one of the waiters was going aroung to all the tables saying: 'the kallah is a zoineh, the kallah is a zoineh....'

 

His bad luck, and he ends up saying it to the kallah's father. 'What the hell are you telling everyone that for?!' he screamed at the waiter.'I don't know', he answered. 'The caterer told me to say it.'

 

The father storms up to the caterer, a good heimishe yid and screams at him 'How dare you tell the waiter to go arnd telling everyone that my daughter is a zoineh!!!'

 

The caterer starts laughing, making the father even madder and says, 'I told him to tell everyone that.....The challahs are mezoines'

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Credit: Miriam E.

New Seat Belt Law

New Seat Belt Law

Becomes effective June 15, 2008
New Seat Belt LAW

The national Highway Safety Council has done

Extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced

By as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below...

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MIGHT
SAVE A LIFE!

I KNOW....YOU SMILED

QUIT LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Credit: Mendel S.

How facebook works

Amazing story

A free translation of an article appearing in the newspaper BeShevah.

 

The late famous Rabbi Shlomo Carlbach o"h flew many times around the world in order to perform his special music and was well known in the Airline World.

 

On one of his flights the Rabbi noticed one of the stewardesses mumbling her prayers from a siddur.  He was surprised at this unusual occurrence.

 

He waited until she had finished her 'davening' and politely asked her 'Are you a Jewess?'  She told him that she was a recent convert to Judaism, having been taught by an Orthodox Rabbi and she said 'as you can see I am now abiding by the strict rules of the religion.'

 

Shortly afterwards she returned to Shlomo Carlbach and said 'I see you are a Rabbi.  Perhaps you will be able to help me with a pressing personal problem.'

 

Rabbi Shlomo inclined his head and pricked up his ears when he heard her words.  'Recently I have become friendly with a Jewish young man, and we both love one another very much.  We would like to marry, but his parents are very much opposed to our 'Shiduch' on the grounds of my conversion.  Unfortunately he does not want to go against his parents' wishes, as they have threatened to cut off all connections with him.  He is very close to his parents and does not want to cause them grief.

Rabbi, perhaps you can help us.'

 

'I will try' said Rabbi Shlomo.  He took the parents telephone numbers, promising that he would try to convince them to be in favour of the marriage.

 

On arrival at his destination, he contacted the young man's parents, but received a hostile and frosty reception.  His attempts to convince the father to look at the situation from another angle failed utterly.  In fact the father's anger grew even more until at the end he shouted 'Don't you know I am a Shoah survivor, and because of what the goyim did to us Jews, I now hate Goyim, and I will tell you, if my son marries this Goya (Gentile), I will kill him.'

 

At the end of this telephone call the Rabbi contacted the air hostess to tell her of his failure.  She did not immediately answer him, but in her place, her father came to the phone.  They conversed a little and Rabbi Shlomo told the girl's father of his attempts on behalf of his daughter.

 

The father then accused the Rav for 'mixing in' in the matter.  At this

response Rabbi Shlomo tried to justify himself by saying 'In the Talmud it is written that the Almighty is busy for one third of his time in match making, and I am only trying to help Him step by step. What is clear to me is that your daughter and her young man are very much in love and it is a shame that they will not marry.'

 

The concerned voice of Rabbi Shlomo Carlbach touched the heart of the girl's father.  He started to cry and said with feeling 'I will reveal to you a secret that I have not told to anyone, something that I was certain that no-one would ever know.  I and my wife are Christians - but not genuine ones.  Both of us are survivors from the Holocaust and because of what G-d did to the Jews - we hate Judaism. We brought up our kids as Christians in every way.  They don't know the Truth.'

 

'If this is so ' said the Rav, excitedly, 'your daughter is Jewish from

birth, and there's no problem.  The boy's father wants his future

daughter-in-law to be a genuine Jewess, and now it is clear that she is exactly this.  Reveal to her the truth, and they will be able to marry.'

 

The air hostess's father concurred and the Rabbi then succeeded to convene a meeting of both sets of parents together in his hotel.

 

At the first moment of their meeting one of the fathers yelled out

'Yankele!' and the other responded 'Herschele!' - and they fell into one another's arms.  Afterwards they explained to their respective, shocked wives that before the outbreak of W.W.2. they both learned at the same Yeshivah.  Each one was sure that the other had perished in the Shoah.

 

Abundant memories came back to them.  They remembered their lost childhood and spoke nostalgically of the pain.  One of them said 'Do you remember how we dreamt of the future when we were Yeshivah students?'

The other one responded 'Yes, and we said to one another - when we grow up and marry, our offspring may well marry one another. 

 

We forgot entirely, but Hashem did not forget.'

 

--

Credit: Mendel S.

Boxes falling

Credit: Soroh E.

Posach b'milsa d'bidichusah...

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This message has been sent with a wireless device.

Sand and Stone

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH; THE DESERT.

DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE:

'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE'.

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'

THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.'

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES:
A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM,

BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM..

SEND THIS TO THE PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.

I JUST DID.

IF YOU DON'T SEND IT TO ANYONE, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN A HURRY AND THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS.

TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!

DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!

--

Credit: Soroh E.