Bath tub test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

What would you do if you were asked this question?


now scroll down .....



"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

--
Credit: Shlomo H.

Mrs Yetta Rosenberg

Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room.

She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night."

The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam,
but our hotel is completely booked."

Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops offhis key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.

"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take his room."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my
meaning.To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."

"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cato holic."

In obvious disblief, the clerk asks her,"If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?"

"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."

The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Jesus' mother and
father?"

"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg, testily.

Then the clerk asks,"And where was Jesus born?"

"In a man'ger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.

"And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.

"'Cause a shmock like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!

Credit: Soroh E.

Grandparents...

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog." Send this to other grandparents It will make their day.

 

New clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

 

Credit: Allan P.

Women Jokes

What is the difference between a dog and a woman?

The price of the chain

What woman knows where her man is sleeping at night?

A widow

Credit: Bracha E.

Ponderisms?!?!

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.. NO ANSWERS... OH WELL, THEN LET'S CALL THEM.... !!! Ponderisms ??? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried In for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a Radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both DOGS. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from Electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Credit Soroh E.

Smart Kid

The Dumbest Kid In The World

A little boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

"The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns."

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you takethe quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

Credit: Soroh E.

Want to bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of
a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'Bob placed a $20 bill on
the bar and said, 'You're on! '

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn 't think he'd do it again.'


             Bob took the money...

Credit: Mendel S.

Mean Boss

A large milk company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Credit: Ray-z H.

2 minute Passover Seder

 

 

 

 

 

Credit: Allan P.

NEW CEREAL BOX FOR 2008

 

 

 

Credit: Yocheved Z.

41 miles to the gallon.

A study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. 

  
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
 
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American!!!!

Credit: Mendel S.

25 Reasons why I love my mother (or father)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that  it will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

--
Credit: Soroh E.

How to give a class

Radio Live

Reshet Bet Live
http://radiotime.com/station/s_24889/Kol_Israel_Reshet_Bet.aspx

97.1 Free FM
http://cbsplayer.streamtheworld.com/index.php?CALLSIGN=KLSXFM

Text Messaging tricks

http://www.ci.worcester.ma.us/com/txtmessage_email.htm

Get Your Text Messaging Email Address You may not know it, but text messages can be sent to a cell phone or PDA by e-mail. To do this, you first need to determine the email address for that phone or PDA. This is a necessary step if you want to receive txtAlerts as a text message. The first part of the email address is the phone number with area code (without spaces or dashes). The second part is based on the company providing the cell phone service: AT&T @mobile.att.net Boost Mobile @myboostmobile.com Cingular @mobile.mycingular.com Helio @myhelio.com Nextel @messaging.nextel.com Qwest @qwestmp.com Sprint @messaging.sprintpcs.com T-Mobile @tmomail.net Tracfone @cingularme.com Verizon @vtext.com Virgin Mobile @vmobl.com Example: The phone number (555) 123-4567 on an AT&T cell phone would be entered as 5551234567@mobile.att.net. Some cell phone plans include free text messaging, while others charge fees. Check with your cell phone provider to see what plan you have.

3 kick rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We
settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick
Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer
replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately
vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and
managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my
turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Credit: Mendel S.

Hillary and Obama were in a boat

Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama were in a boat going down the river. The river was extremely rough. The boat capsized.

Who was saved?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER

AMERICA!

Credit: Mendel S.

Is this you and your mother?

When you were 15,
your mom came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16,
she taught you how to drive her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17,
she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18,
she cried at your high school graduation.
You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19,
she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags.
You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25,
she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.
You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 50,
she fell ill and needed you to take care of her.
You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died.
And everything you never did came crashing
down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

If you love your MOM, forward this now (maybe even to your mom)

if you don't... then u obviously don't care if your mom dies!

Jewish Friends...

'FRIENDS VS. JEWISH FRIENDS'
                            _
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello.'
JEWISH FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.

FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
JEWISH FRIENDS: Will forward this.

Snow Plow Parking

One winter morning, a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say 'We'er going to have eight to ten inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.
'Norman's wife goes out and moves the car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting ten to twelve inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.
'Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.....' and suddenly the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face, she says 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?'

When you are faking a pose

When you are faking a pose for a camera photo opportunity, it would seem that --- message truncated ---

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (This was actually reported by a teacher.)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house in Wisconsin , but Grandpa got
retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and
have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck
center, but they must have got it fixed because i t is all okay now,
they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a
swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak
out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past
the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to
the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday
too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.....PRICELESS

Credit: Mendel S.