How Moses found his way in the desert after 40 years...

Credit: A. Procel

Men are like coffee

Office Signs

Some new signs you might want to use in your office.

Sometimes it pays to be old

Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Good Cheap and Fast

Now you know what service to ask for.

Hanged

7 Beautiful One-liners

7 Beautiful One-liners

 

1. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

2. Don't change G-d message, his message changes us.

3. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

4. Give satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.

5. Exercise daily - walk with the lord.

6. Never ride with the devil - he will always want to drive.

and the best one that I liked:

7. Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when noah built the ark.

Eisenhower In Dachau

It's worth repeating over and over again...... If you don't forward anything else, forward this!!!!                                      EISENHOWER IN DACHAU  It is a matter of history that when Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps, he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead.. He did this because he said in words to this effect:  'Get it all on record now - get the films - get the witnesses - because somewhere down the track of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil, is for good men to do nothing'.  This week, the University of Kentucky removed The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it 'offended' the Muslim population which claims it never occurred.  This is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it. It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended.  This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the 6 million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the German and Russian peoples looking the other way!  Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets. This e-mail is intended to reach 40 million people worldwide! Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.                      Don't just delete this.          It will only take a minute to pass this along.

--
Credits to M. Simone for sharing this with me.

Hillary Clinton

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtownChicago. Nothing is moving north or south.. Suddenly aman knocks on his window. The driver rolls down hiswindow and asks,"What happened? What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse her with gasoline and set her on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."

The value of the US Penny

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.

 

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.
He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped and a few cigarette butts still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.

He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?" "No, keep reading."
"In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin.

 

Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.

It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..

Purim Q & A

Jewish Humor - Purim Jokes

 

1. Q. When did the story of Purim take place in the secular calendar?
A. In the month of may. It states clearly v'yhee b'may.

2. Q. On that note on what secular date did the yiddin leave Mitzrayim?
A. March forth.

3. Q. Esther computerized the story of Purim. What happened to it?
A. An Achash-virus destroyed it.

4. Q. How do we know there were telephones at the time of the Purim story?
A. We read how Achashveirosh gave Haman a ring and then hung him up.

5. Q. How do we know that Achashveirosh was deaf?
A. We read v'yehee b'yemay Achashveirosh who? Achashveirosh.

6 Q. How was the story of Purim publicized?
A. By the kings of the press and media as it says poras umudai.

7. Q. From where do we learn that we drink on Purim?
A. From its name Pour im Purim.

8. Q. How do we know Haman was a roofer?
A. He was called Haman Hagagi.

9. Q. How do we know Vashti was very fat?
A. It says asisa mishteh noshim.

 

CUSTOM KIPA

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or call 718-953-9834

The States of the USA and what they stand for

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

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Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

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Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

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Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

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California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

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Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

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Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It -- Yet

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Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

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Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

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Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

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Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

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Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

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Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

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Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

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Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

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Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

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Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

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Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

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Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

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Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

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Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

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Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

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Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

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Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

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Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

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Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

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Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

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Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

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New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

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New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

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New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

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New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

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North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

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North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

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Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

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Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

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Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

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Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

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Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

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South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

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South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

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Tennessee: The Educashun State

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Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

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Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

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Vermont: Yep

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Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

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Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers

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Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

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West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

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Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

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Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!

Pico and Olympic Boulevards - Los Angeles, CA

Stop this madness

http://www.fixthecity.org

Project Achdus

http://www.projectachdus.blogspot.com/

In light of the recent tragedy in Yerushalayim
quoted from the website:

"... In order to preserve their memory, a few friends ... have developed a plan of building a Beis Medrash. A place where people could gather at all hours of the night to discuss Torah and learn. A place where people can come together and learn about their heritage from many aspects and angles. ..."

Rabbi and Gentile

A gentile once asked Rabbi Goldberg,

"Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?"

The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied

"Who told you that?"

Thoughts from a Rabbi

http://1rabbi.blogspot.com/

A blog on Judaism, Israel, Jews, life and politics from a rabbi. (Please repoint links to http://1rabbi.wordpress.com)

Balloon Twisting

Look at how far twisting balloons has come.....

Ya Just gotta love her...

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA!

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:
'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. 'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker. 'And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one'

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA--- WE NEED HER